Another year draws to a close! Fare thee well, ogre.

Things that happened:

• Two of my father's sisters died within a few weeks of each other. This probably the most devastating and resulted in me throwing my hands up and proclaiming FUCK IT with so many things.


• My mother's sister-in-law was terminally diagnosed with regards to her cancer. She and my uncle have three children together, who are going to lose their mother within the next five years.


• Other death: My grandfather's brother, my father's best friend whose cabin I stayed at every summer as a child, a girl I trained with at my old job. (This is sounding incredibly morbid to list them all out but all this death happened between January and June, and coloured the first half of 2012. I was very unhappy, nearly to the point of depressed, but things did get better. I need to remember that too.)


• I quit my job of three years to attend university full time! I loved that job so much and I miss it, but I don't regret my decision. I want an education.


• I left the city I've lived in since I was five. Hilariously, three months after I moved away, they changed all the bus routes. Buses that I've rode since I was 15 are gone. That was the most telling indication that holy shit, things change.


• I survived another year without having a stroke.


• I went to England and Scotland! I've wanted to go to the United Kingdom for years and the trip was pretty much beyond my wildest dreams. Everything about it was just so beautiful, even the unfortunate parts — such as my phobia of flying and limping the entire trip.


• I fell in love. But, that's just for me. c:

All I can really say is, I survived. I went into 2012 with my fists up, ready to scare it into submission because 2011 was not especially pleasant, and things went so rapidly downhill I probably had whiplash.

I did teach myself two things, though:
1. To stop complaining, even if I don't stick to that all the time. I'm trying.
2. To not get upset over what's done. Learn from it, but don't fixate on it.

Most of all? All I want is to be happy. I deserve that. I'm going to make it happen.

As well, and stay with me, because this bears repeating: I am so grateful for all of you. Val and Yuul, my karma warriors and texting buddies, who make me smile through out the day. Kay, who pulled me into this new world and refused to let me run and hide, and endures more of me than anyone else, poor lady. Li, who is forever a source of knowledge and wisdom. Par, Lena, Oli, Ana, Apa, Ruxi, Heather/Kitten, Sari, Andreapants, Rica, Yaywon, Jelle, AC, Alex, Cricket, Casey, Catie, Sunny, Kate and Elyse: for all being such lovely and inspiring people. Sandy and Ari, my two beautiful and loyal knights, who are always there when I need them. Tsu, my most valiant and lovely dragon. Fearie, for introducing me to your wonderful family and being utterly shameless, I miss you. Haunt, for being the best Admiral (and the best hand-holder) a lieutenant could hope for! Ash, for supporting me through something unpleasant recently. ROSH, FOR CARRYING ME THROUGH GLASGOW LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING SUPERHERO. Sev and Rina, for amusing texts, heartfelt messages, and sticking with me despite the horrible burden of having once dealt with teenage me! Krist, for being brilliant -- let's catch up soon, bb. Anyone else I forgot, I'm sorry, I'm just lame, but rest assured, I ADORE YOU.

Kat and other!Alex, wherever they are, I miss you both terribly. Come back soon, we have a year or so to catch up on. ♥

And, of course, those important to me outside this internet business: my family, my friends, Connor and Jake and Alexa. All things considered, I am amazingly lucky.

I'm not going to say that 2013 can't possibly start off as poorly as 2012 did, because it completely can. The universe doesn't, in fact, owe me a win. Me, on the other hand? I owe myself a win, and I'm going to GET IT. YOLO. CAN'T BE TAMED. WHATEVER.

BRING IT, 2013. I HAVE A NEW SET OF ARMOR AND I'M TAKING YOU DOWN.

I made it to the end of the semester.

And now, I'm so out of reserves of energy, watching an episode of Bleach takes too much brain power. >_>




Yay, I did it! c: ...sob, all my paid accounts are going away at once.

It never fails, I fucking cannot have nice things.

There is nothing better than being in lecture, having a concept explained, and being the only one in the lecture hall who isn't confused.

I am such an amazing student. Suck it, everyone else! \o/



My first semester is approaching its end and I survived!

Now I just wish my pizza would hurry up. Seventeen to nineteen minutes, really? Really? Time is money!

AHHHH IT'S GOING TO BE A MILLION PAGES LONG

I am going to be fed to my professor's amazing beard. :(

1. I am so, so tired. I went to one of the silent study floors of the library to finish reading last week's Poli Sci chapter—mercifully the only class I am slightly behind on the reading in— and napped for an hour instead, read three of the six pages I have left, and came downstairs to sit at a computer and, idk. Drool to myself.


2. All I've had to eat today is a single half of a Mars Bar and I've fallen grossly behind, I think, on my eating list. Food, why do I hate and love you at the same time. Why can't we be friends, food. :(


3. Despite my tendency to flail utterly and panic at every little academic thing when I am, at least in theory, doing well and keeping up... I am looking at honours thesis and honours practicum courses to do in my fourth year. They'd be in labour studies, which is only half my major, but is honestly looking to be much more viable an option, career wise, than political science. (See, I get majorly ahead of myself because school? Even when I hate it, I love it.)
   
   So if you've done an honours thesis in undergrad, I'd love to hear from you! I'd need to write a letter of intent, which legit sounds like fun to myself, the biggest losergeek not also in Saved By The Bell. Buuut I'm pretty sure if I e-mailed Hot Professor with something like, "I know I'm only a first year but I want to do such and such three years away, let's get married and discuss it have dinner and discuss it discuss it over a very intense game of Super Smash Bros just plain discuss it!" he may end up wondering if I'm strange.
   
   Which I am.
   
   The trick is not letting THEM know that.
   
   i don't know who "them" is.


4. I keep staring at Chocobo Down trying to do something, but time is not on my side. :( I want to, and I need to write something in order to weasel myself back into FFEX after flaking out last whenever it was, and you know, Team Ramuh. But, I don't know how to put energy towards writing-writing anymore.


5. I just want to sleep. I'm legitimately considering "accidentally sleeping through", cough cough, my morning lecture tomorrow just for that reason. I've attended every lecture fastidiously up until now, missing one likely isn't going to kill me.

So that's me. How are you guys?

I kind of hate that a social networking site requires so much thought and worrying, "what if this," and, "what if that."

So. Plurk.

I hate it.

So, so much. It makes me feel completely ill a good deal of the time. I've held off on saying that because I don't want people to think it's because of them specifically. I'm not in the business of hurting feelings and that's not what I'm about here. If you're on my plurk timeline, I consider you a friend and I am glad you're in my life.

But, on the other hand, it's complete sensory overload. It's every single thought, every single bad thing, every complaint, every sad story. It's very difficult to appreciate someone when I feel they're screaming in my face, and that's essentially what plurk is. It enables over-sharing and it's not like I haven't been guilty of this, but I'm an introvert and a very private person. I cannot handle sensory overload.

My dear friend seventhe said it best with, "I love you, leave me alone. I love you, from a distance. I love you, give me some fucking space. I love you, now go away." That's completely me and I'm tired of feeling like distancing myself from plurk is being a bad friend. I will always give people avenues to contact me. I don't ignore people who message me or text me. That needs to be enough. Plurk is exhausting, and I need to put my energy toward other things. (I realise the quote and what came after it can be seen as contradictory but it's really not; it all boils down to me needing time and days to myself. We will still be friends if we don't talk for a week.)

I also don't like how I am and how I act on plurk, but that's just for me. I know how to fix it. There's no point in talking about that.

So I guess all that's left is for me to... delete it.

(unsure)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

I am now going to spend my favourite day of the year doing schoolwork all day. Tell me what you're doing for Halloween!

I am so tired.

I had somehow managed to forget how incredibly exhausting school can be. I have been bone tired for the last two days, and I haven't even been (that) short of sleep.

My Russia, Ukraine and the other successor states to the USSR class is kicking my butt. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm unlikely to get anything higher than a B in it, for various reasons. (Mostly because it's least important on my personal ranking of classes, so when I do the readings [which are unholy massive; as much weekly reading as my other four classes combined], I really only read the chapter summaries. Not to mention it's slotted very poorly on my schedule, so by the time that class rolls around, I'm always tired and cranky. Fuck Tuesdays, seriously.)

I noticed last night that my favourite classes are ones where I can take more control. My political analysis class, for example -- my seminar is frustrating but also kind of awesome because we're separated into the same seating groups for critical assignments that lead to discussion, and my group just doesn't give a shit. They will sit there in silence until I do all the thinking and speaking, because a great deal of the time they haven't even done the readings. I'm the one who talks, who presents the results of our "discussion" to the other groups. It sounds frustrating as fuck, and it is, but it's also a lot easier in the long run because I know I'm right and don't have to actively defend that. As well, me carrying the group means I get all the seminar participation marks. :D

I don't have that feeling at all in my Russian class, or even in Canadian politics -- both are second year classes, and in both I'm constantly bull dozed by students that I want to punch in the mouth sometimes that have more seminar experience than me.

At least in those classes, I am given other avenues for marks. Russia requires a weekly list of questions to be handed in, and my Canadian politics TA recognises my situation and lets me come see her after the seminar for extra marks. (She's also incredibly hot. My Canadian politics TA. I don't understand how everyone in academia is so attractive!)

I am doing okay. The worst of it doesn't seem nearly as bad when I give myself a few minutes to relax and list things out. It's funny how easily I can discourage myself into thinking I'm doing poorly when I'm going to all my lectures, keeping up with my reading, and handing things in on time. :/