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# 19
So, eating.
I am bad at it.
I think I have gained this neurological compunction that has rendered me physically incapable of eating anything on my plate at a given time. I visited three people when I was in the UK and all three of them called me out on it, in varying degrees. And why shouldn't they? It was horrible. I'd reach a point where I could only stare at my food in horror and be like, "I have to put this in MY MOUTH, what am I, a fucking wizard!" and that... really is not acceptable.
Neither is, I think, being 5'7 / 5'8 and weighing 120 pounds. I'm not meant to have a skinny build - all the female members of my family are much more reasonably sized and curvy than I am. My hands and feet are huge. But my arms are like twigs, I am constantly becoming too small for jeans I buy a few months ago, and my ribs are plainly visible when I'm shirtless.
I don't care about my appearance all that much. Really, I don't. My routine is very minimal. Shower, brush teeth, brush hair, wash face, hair up in ponytail, jeans and a sweatshirt. It's never been a priority. I wish I could reasonably say that I didn't care whether I weighed a little or a lot but I've been thin my whole life, so I really don't have anything to compare. I did the whole, "dress up, gussy up, be a girl," thing (and quit it in a pique of... not caring.) But the most I've ever weighed at any given time is 135 pounds. So I can't make a claim on whether weighing significantly more than I do now would bother me, because it's not a situation I've been in.
But I don't not-eat because I like being thin. I don't fastidiously weigh myself after every meal. It's not because of that.
I just get to a point where the idea of putting food into my mouth just disgusts me. I get full really quickly when faced with a full-sized meal after eating about half of it. (I have, on one memorable occasion, gagged on a sweet roll my mother insisted I eat when the entire family was out for a dinner. She refused to accept my repeated, no, I'm fine and then blew up at me for it. Yeah.)
It's a horrible habit. I've taught my body to accept bottles of water in replacement of actual sustenance, and that needs to stop right now.
This is what I'm going to do.
1. When my stomach starts to growl, I'm not going to ignore it because I don't want to drop whatever I'm doing. I'm going to get up and have a snack.
2. I'm not going to drink an entire bottle of water before I eat because my body mistakes that for an actual meal and then I'm not hungry anymore. I need to cut down on how much liquid I consume - or consume it more sparingly.
3. THREE MEALS A DAY. Not one, not zero. THREE.
4. Repeat until I'm normal and not horribly malnourished.
Okay. Let's go! Snack time. :3
I am bad at it.
I think I have gained this neurological compunction that has rendered me physically incapable of eating anything on my plate at a given time. I visited three people when I was in the UK and all three of them called me out on it, in varying degrees. And why shouldn't they? It was horrible. I'd reach a point where I could only stare at my food in horror and be like, "I have to put this in MY MOUTH, what am I, a fucking wizard!" and that... really is not acceptable.
Neither is, I think, being 5'7 / 5'8 and weighing 120 pounds. I'm not meant to have a skinny build - all the female members of my family are much more reasonably sized and curvy than I am. My hands and feet are huge. But my arms are like twigs, I am constantly becoming too small for jeans I buy a few months ago, and my ribs are plainly visible when I'm shirtless.
I don't care about my appearance all that much. Really, I don't. My routine is very minimal. Shower, brush teeth, brush hair, wash face, hair up in ponytail, jeans and a sweatshirt. It's never been a priority. I wish I could reasonably say that I didn't care whether I weighed a little or a lot but I've been thin my whole life, so I really don't have anything to compare. I did the whole, "dress up, gussy up, be a girl," thing (and quit it in a pique of... not caring.) But the most I've ever weighed at any given time is 135 pounds. So I can't make a claim on whether weighing significantly more than I do now would bother me, because it's not a situation I've been in.
But I don't not-eat because I like being thin. I don't fastidiously weigh myself after every meal. It's not because of that.
I just get to a point where the idea of putting food into my mouth just disgusts me. I get full really quickly when faced with a full-sized meal after eating about half of it. (I have, on one memorable occasion, gagged on a sweet roll my mother insisted I eat when the entire family was out for a dinner. She refused to accept my repeated, no, I'm fine and then blew up at me for it. Yeah.)
It's a horrible habit. I've taught my body to accept bottles of water in replacement of actual sustenance, and that needs to stop right now.
This is what I'm going to do.
1. When my stomach starts to growl, I'm not going to ignore it because I don't want to drop whatever I'm doing. I'm going to get up and have a snack.
2. I'm not going to drink an entire bottle of water before I eat because my body mistakes that for an actual meal and then I'm not hungry anymore. I need to cut down on how much liquid I consume - or consume it more sparingly.
3. THREE MEALS A DAY. Not one, not zero. THREE.
4. Repeat until I'm normal and not horribly malnourished.
Okay. Let's go! Snack time. :3
no subject
Please eat. Three meals are good. I can't force you to eat three meals a day because sometimes I don't eat three meals either (or even two), but I would like for you to.
And yes, repeat steps 1-3. \;A;/
no subject
Good luuuuuck and be well.
no subject